This page is being updated because apparently it’s not sufficiently clear that I am in fact A LADY.
Look, this is me:
I’m the thing with the scarf.
To answer further questions that keep coming up: My name is Premee Mohamed. Yes, it’s an unusual first name for any gender in Hindi; it’s actually a noun, sort of like naming your kid Apple. I’m the only Premee ever born in Alberta according to this website. My parents are from South America. “You don’t look South American!” Indeed; we’re of Indian descent, because of the historical British influx of indentured Indians into Guyana. When asked about my heritage you can say ‘Indo-Caribbean’ or ‘Indo-Guyanese.’ I was born in Canada, I only speak English (plus French when I’m drunk), I have a flat and distinctive central Albertan accent, I don’t have an English degree, I have two science degrees, and I am represented by Michael Curry of DMLA. He’s very smart and nice and has managed to not make the Curry/Indian joke yet, so I just made it for you.
Other useful facts: I’ve had three bear encounters, one at very close quarters; I’ve gotten temporarily but severely lost in hedge mazes meant for children; I nearly choked to death the first time I had a bubble tea; I used to be on a radio show; I like beetles, construction sites, nail polish, and dinosaurs; and my greatest regret is teaching my mother how to use her emoji keyboard.
email: premee [at] premeemohamed [dot] com
Can also send telegrams, thoughtwaves, messenger pigeons, and messenger komodo dragons. I promise I will give them a snack and charge their phones before sending them back to you.